I was at my wit's end. I'd had enough of this job this life and my relationship had broken up. Should I eat chocolate or go to India or fall in love? Then I had a revelation: Why not do all three in that order? And so it was that I embarked on a journey that was segmented into three parts and was then made into a major motion picture. Later I woke up on an airplane with a hole in my face and a really bad hangover. I was ushered brusquely off the plane by my parents who took me to a rehab where I tested positive for coke classic coke special k (the drug) Special K (the cereal) mushrooms pepperoni and Restless Leg Syndrome. It was there that I first began painting with my feet.

But rewind...the year was 1914. I was just a young German soldier serving in the trenches while simultaneously trying to destroy an evil ring with some help from an elf a troll and a giant sorcerer all while cooking every recipe out of a Julia Child cookbook. What I'm trying to say is that there was a secret code hidden in a painting and I was looking for it with this girl who had a tattoo of a dragon! Let me clarify it was the 1930s and a bunch of us were migrating out of Oklahoma and I was this teenage wizard/CIA operative okay? And um then I floated off into the meta-verse as a ball of invisible energy that had no outer edge...

Ugh okay. None of this is true. I'm just kind of a normal guy from New Jersey who moved to New York got into comedy wrote this book about trying to write this book and then moved to Alaska became the mayor of a small town spent $30000 on underwear and now I'm going to rule the world!!!